Lately I have been feeling like I have been so distant from God. Every thing I have been doing without wanting to has been bringing farther away. This past week I had a falling out with my family, which made me question my worth. Although I know that my worth is found in the Lord I was still feeling under valued by my family. As the week went on I kept seeing on twitter and pintrest things like “Your worth is in the Lord” and “No matter what God forgives you” (they were more clever and written better than that but you get the point). Seeing these posts made me feel better as the week went on. Then on Sunday I caught up with my devotionals. For those who know me you know that I let things pile up sometimes and because of this I was behind on my devo for like a week and a half. Anyway it so happened to be that the devotional that I had skipped everyday last week was called “It Starts With Me Recognizing My Worth.” At the end of that devo it said to make a list of the things that I used to find my worth in. I came to realize that although I thought that I have been finding my worth in Jesus I wasn’t; I have actually been finding my worth in the fact I hadn’t sinned in certain ways or in the mistakes I hadn’t made. Ultimately I was trying to find my worth in myself and in what my people thought of me. You see this was the subject of the falling out with my family they thought I was being a brat or judgmental because I had said that I wanted some recognition for the mistakes I hadn’t made from them. I realize even then while I was saying it that it seems rude to want to be recognized for the mistakes that I hadn’t made. However, I didn’t mean it in a conceited way at all but I realize now that the reason I wanted it because that is where I was finding my worth. I was finding my worth in the things I did and how my family reacted to it.
This also helped me realize that I still can’t shake the feeling that I thought had gone away two years ago that when I make a mistake I feel I am not a good person and I condemn myself. I have spent most of my life but especially the last two years of my life living in a bubble trying to not get out much and staying to myself so that I wouldn’t make any mistakes or do anything that is bad as a Christian. And whenever I would do something I would have an anxiety attack because I would feel like I was the worst and not worth anything. I have been trying to find my worth in myself, in my good deeds. That destroyed me for years, and I saw this this past week that it still is.
I realize now that it is okay to make mistakes because I’m human and that’s how I grow and learn. My mistakes and the things I do or don’t do aren’t what gives me worth, the love and sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ is what gives me worth. The fact that God thought I was important enough that He gave His son for me so that I can have my all sins forgiven, and so that I can be saved and be called His daughter who will one day live in His kingdom is where my worth is. I cannot find worth in myself or in the thing that I do because I make mistakes which makes me question myself. But finding my worth in Christ is different He knows who I am to Him and He won’t change His opinion of me or His love for me. He won’t question why He chose me to be with Him because He already knows why even when it hasn’t happened yet and I can’t see why. He is my rock. God is where I find my worth.
But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life. Titus 3:4-7