This month has been crazy hectic and it seems like everyday and it is true that every week there is something happening that I have to either study for or be at that so I haven’t had time (or really the energy, if I’m being honest) to sit down and write.
But recently the Lord has been working me, because time or lack of energy is not the only reason why I haven’t been writing.
Going to get a little personal and vulnerable now:
For the last couple of weeks I have been feeling like I am not good enough. Not that I’m not feeling good enough as a person but as a friend. Where I feel like my friends think that I am not good enough or like I am a bad friend to them, so I have been starting distance myself from everyone. I have been starting to want to retreat to the way that I used to be, alone. Where I only had two to three friends who I barely ever saw and was alone most of the time, in my own little world. Which stucked honestly but it’s my confortable place, I was unhappy but I had no problems.
And the Lord has been fighting me on this, so I have been forcing myself to not retreat back into that. Forcing myself to be with people who I have been starting to call friends. It’s difficult and hard for me to have people in my room to just talk or to go out with them just because or message them just to say hi or sit with them when all I really want to do is sit in my room and watch a movie alone. It is very difficult, because breaking out of my box and comfort zone and going against my usual ways is emotionally hard for me. I feel vulnerable all the time, and like friends because of the way that I am a friend are constantly judging me. And I’m more than sure that I am being looked at badly by people who aren’t my friends but who see me with my friends. And that is difficult because I always avoided everything and people not in a was a loner in high school kind of way but in a I was nice to everyone but I never let myself get close enough to anyone for them to know how I am. Which lead to me only really having three to four real friends for the last four years, and in the last two years only two friends. And I have been hiding this for a while but lately I’ve felt so overwhelmed by the feelings that they are starting to show.
Anyways this last week the Lord has been speaking to me. Telling me that I’m in the right place and that this is where I need to be, around these kinds of people (honestly people in general), and opening myself up, and letting people see me, finally letting people see me. No matter what I feel or what other people say just keep going. No more sitting in a dark room alone, just keep going and trust in Him.
He also told me one day while praying about this that I had to stop thinking about it, stop praying about it and just praise. And that hit me with a tremendous amount of peace and of joy when that came to mind and I stopped and just started to praise. That’s what the Lord wants from me right now just praise Him and in my praise He will start fix me up emotionally and I will have a clear mind to see where He is leading me. Because I will never able to see what the Lord is trying to do in my life by pushing me out of my box if I have a worried mind. And when I praise Him I think about nothing else and am automatically filled with peace. And have a clear mind to just breath.
I honestly have no scripture to go along with this post today, although I’ve seen many and can think of many none seem to fit because this was more or me just letting it out and getting it all down.
The beautiful thing is that He is working and He is speaking and that is all that matters.
Keep On Living!!