I have been gone for a while the last time I posted was at the beginning of the month. It has actually been a hard month for me because I have been questioning if the path I'm on is the right one and if I heard the Lord correctly in regards to the plans and direction I believe He is having me go on.
I know I'm always talking about following your dreams and keeping on fighting for it and honestly at first I felt like me writing this would make me look like a fake but I realized as I keep writing that it shows that I can talk about this because I have lived both sides. And every time I learn something new I will always share for others to be able to read but for me to be able to go back to and read when I start to feel down.
However this last month it hasn't been that easy to do that!
I have been seriously thinking about giving up and settling down and doing something that is good enough because of a couple of reasons
1) I'm a big picture kind of girl:
Meaning I usually only look at the big picture and forget that it takes a lot of little details, smaller pictures, to get there. So I get kind of frustrated when the big picture doesn't happen like a week later(obviously that does not happen).
2) I'm still not fluent in positive self esteem:
Most of my life I have never done anything I wanted or loved because I feared messing up, I feared not being good enough, and felt I didn't deserve the good things. Over the years I have been learning, seeing and believing in God but I can't say that my self esteem is 100%
3) I have been making this about me:
I have focused a lot of this dream on me. How I am going to do it? If it's not working the way I thought, what am I doing wrong? And unfortunately have not been putting faith in God.
All these reason (and probably a couple of more) have made me super unmotivated and I have not been wanting to post so I wouldn't feel like I was faking a good time on Instagram or like I actually had been doing it reading something worth mentioning or that's inspiring on here and YouTube and portraying something I'm not feeling. But this past week I had two encounters with God that answered my prayers but also called me out.
The first encounter was after a day where I felt defeated and prayed to God to answer me and He had me read
Jeremiah 17:7-8 "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit."
This verse gave me so much faith and was the answer to my prayer that night.
Now my second encounter with God was just as good, necessary, and is the one that made me most aware of the change I need to make.
I was watching a video from one of my favorite youtubers who for the first time had made a video saying he is a Christian. And watching this video he talked about how before he would make video to make others jealous of his life but since coming to Christ his reason for making videos is different he wants to spread love and have Jesus shine through him in his videos. This touched me because that is what I want with my channel,blog, and social medias and while listening the Lord put this verse on my heart
“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
This hit me because the truth is like I explained earlier I have my been seeking the kingdom like I should. I have been so involved with me that I have not been seeking God as well as I know I should.
So I have gone ghost for a while.
But that's going to change. The Lord is not letting me give up and I am putting all my faith in Him. I want to seek Him, love, learn, follow, and be changed by Him.
I want my life to be a really life representation of what my life's vision is
To have a free, beautiful, and inspiring life that exudes God's joy, love, peace, and truth, full of adventure and pure trust in God.